How to Know If Your Relationship is Toxic?: Signs For Black Women
It's completely natural to question the dynamics of your relationship at times. Are you going through a rough patch or could the issues run deeper? Navigating the fine line between a rocky period and a toxic relationship can be challenging. Especially for black women who often carry an extra burden of cultural and societal pressures. But the journey towards understanding begins with recognizing the signs and patterns.
You may have suspicions or have heard that your relationship could be unhealthy. But how do you truly know? This blog is a starting point for black women in Los Angeles, CA to identify if their current relationship is toxic or just going through a rough patch. So they can take the necessary steps towards a happier, healthier relationship.
Recognizing the Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Firstly, let's acknowledge that nobody is perfect—we all have our moments. However, it becomes worrisome when these 'moments' evolve into a regular pattern. One that leaves you feeling uneasy, stressed, anxious, and confused. If you always feel like you're walking on eggshells, it may be a sign something's up. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship, not constantly worried about what might set your partner off.
Negging and Manipulation
Negging is a term used to describe the act of making backhanded compliments or "jokes" aimed at you to undermine your self-esteem. This manipulation tactic may be disguised as harmless humor, but it can have destructive effects on one's self-confidence and overall well-being. For example, if your partner often tells you to "lighten up" or "stop being so serious" when you're uncomfortable with their jokes, it may be a red flag. Or, if they say "That's just how I talk, don't take it personally" to dismiss your feelings, that may also be a red flag.
Perhaps, he’s well aware of his toxic behavior but blames it on his childhood trauma instead of taking responsibility. He may even try justifying his actions by blaming you for something you did first, making you feel like the one at fault. For instance, he might say "You knew this was how I was gonna respond if you did this." When, in reality, his actions are a result of his own toxic behavior, not your actions.
Constantly Walking on Eggshells
Maybe you're feeling constantly on edge, as if you're not allowed to make mistakes or speak your mind. You may feel like in order to move forward with this person, you have to keep a lot of your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Your partner could be making it clear that they don't want to hear it, can't handle hearing it, or will simply flip the blame back onto you. This constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing can be exhausting and detrimental to your mental health.
The feeling of “walking on eggshells” can extend beyond just your interactions with your partner. They may verbally undermine your success or not let you work by bringing up things they’re upset about, making it difficult for you to focus on other important things or causing you to “play small.” And when you do try to give time to something outside of the relationship, you have a fear around doing it at all, especially if it’s with other people. You're unsure how your partner will feel about it, so you end up not doing most things. And when you do try, your partner may prove your suspicions right by trying to control or include themselves in everything you do. So, you may notice that you keep alot to yourself.
Isolation and "Mystery"
One of the signs that a relationship could be toxic is when one partner feels alone despite being with their significant other. You may feel like you can't crack the code or solve the mystery of what's going on with your partner. You might think, “what can I do to make things better between us?” And struggle to find the answers.
Additionally, in toxic relationships, there's often an element of isolation. Your partner may not want you to spend time with others or do things without them. If you try to make plans with friends or family, they may guilt-trip you or start an argument to make you change your mind. And when you do end up going, they may try to contact and check up on you constantly. Or, you may have to hide things like a trip you've already booked until the last minute when they can't stop it, fight with you for long, or try to go with you.
Your Relationship Was Different in the Beginning
In the beginning, you were showered with compliments and love, and it seemed like you were living in a fairy tale. But now, those loving words are few and far between. They only seem to happen as an apology after an argument or when they want something from you. The romance has slowed down and has been overrun by manipulation and control.
Your partner may be visibly upset out of nowhere, leaving you wondering what triggered it this time. Or they may go right into starting an argument out of nowhere, with no real reason or justification. This constant change in behavior can be confusing and emotionally draining. He may have even started using sex as a tool for manipulation, claiming that he has “needs" or attempts to guilt you into it. It's not consensual sex if you feel coerced or obligated.
Does This Sound Familiar?
If any of these signs sound familiar, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship. If you are feeling as if you can't make any mistakes or have to constantly walk on eggshells or feel isolated and confused, these are all indicators of a toxic relationship. This can be hard to admit as you are a smart, successful woman. But acknowledging the issue is the first step towards seeking support and making positive changes.
This isn't always the case but the "butterflies" or "the spark" that romance novels, movies, and society as a whole have conditioned us to believe is the hallmark of a great relationship can actually be red flags. It's not normal for someone to come on extremely strong in the beginning, where you feel like you can't catch your breath. If they start to make you feel "crazy," confused, or like you never know what's going on shortly into the relationship, it's important to pay attention and not brush it off.
What Can You Do?
First, it's important to recognize that none of this is your fault. Your partner may be manipulating and controlling you through their actions and words, but they are responsible for their toxic behavior. Set boundaries, communicate your needs, and seek support from someone you trust to gain perspective on the situation. It's not okay for your partner to dictate who you can hang out with or what you can wear, or constantly check in on your whereabouts.
You are the author and narrator of your life, and no one has to live it but you. The familial, cultural, and societal pressures may be weighing heavily on your shoulders. Leading you to feel constantly watched and make decisions based on what others expect of you. This can lead to settling for "good enough" in relationships, out of fear of being alone or seen as undesirable.
But the Truth Is, You Deserve to Get to a Place of Knowing You Deserve Happiness and Gentleness
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel heard, supported, and respected. Where your partner values your thoughts and feelings instead of dismissing them or making you feel guilty for having them. You deserve to have healthy boundaries that promote self-care, self-love, and empowerment. This process may involve unlearning harmful beliefs and behaviors that were instilled in you by society or past relationships. It may also involve creating something within yourself that is different, new, and potentially off the beaten path in order to build a truly fulfilling partnership.
Seeking Support from a Black Female Therapist
You've dropped most of your joys in life to be with your partner and to work. Because let's be honest, those are the two things that you love. But you deserve to have more in your life. Working with a Black female therapist in Los Angeles, CA can help you slowly get back to being yourself. By setting boundaries and reconnecting with activities that bring you joy, you can regain agency and confidence in yourself and your relationships.
Individual Relationship Therapy can provide a safe space for you to navigate the complexities of toxic relationships, societal expectations, and personal growth. A Black female therapist understands the unique challenges faced by Black women and can offer culturally competent support that is tailored to your specific needs. Together, you can work towards identifying and nurturing healthy, supportive relationships while prioritizing your well-being and empowerment. Remember, you deserve to be happy and to have fulfilling relationships in all aspects of your life.
You're the Author of Your Life and You Deserve a Happy Story. A Black Female Therapist Can Help You Get There.
Don't let toxic relationships or societal pressures dictate your story. Take control and prioritize self-care, self-love, and empowerment. Seek support from a Black female therapist in Los Angeles, CA who can offer you the guidance and validation you need to build healthy relationships and live a fulfilling life. It's never too late to rewrite your narrative and With Bradlisia, you can create a happy life for yourself. She will be your online therapist to support you in regaining your strength and voice! If you're ready to slowly become yourself again and build healthy relationships, let's work together:
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Other Therapy Services Provided by Bradlisia Dixon, LMFT
You may wonder how you missed the signs of a toxic relationship, but remember that it's not your fault. I've been where you are and that is what makes me qualified to help you. I provide online therapy for black women in California who are trying to get back to themselves. My services include: Individual Relationship Therapy, Codependency Relationship Therapy, and Self-Esteem Therapy. I know how important it is to have a safe space to process your emotions and experiences. That's why I am here to support you during this journey towards healthier relationships and self-love. Let's work together to help you become the author of your own happy ending.